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Cris Cohen
North Carolina
An incomplete waste of time
Interests: drumming, reading, writing
Recent Activity
I’m still trying to get used to wearing flip-flops, which were named after people with inconsistent voting records. They don’t feel like footwear as much as something a neighbor made out of discarded tire treads. And I don’t mean a... Continue reading
Posted Aug 5, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
For the longest time I had no interest in coffee. Now I consider it only slightly less important than air. Continue reading
Posted Jul 12, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
In the summer I spend a lot of time covered in sweat. Even after playing outside with my son for only a half an hour, I look like I just finished a waterboarding session. Continue reading
Posted Jul 8, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
At some point during the past decade, bread became the most dangerous substance on the planet. Based on what fitness experts say, it is better for you to experiment with meth than baked goods. Continue reading
Posted Jul 7, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
History: During the summer of 1776 , July 4th festivities included concerts, bonfires, parades and the firing of cannons, most which were purchased at freeway offramps. Continue reading
Posted Jul 3, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
Every so often I see people who insist on backing into a parking space. It’s a preference of people who either see themselves as very important or who are planning to rob one of the shops. Either way, police would... Continue reading
Posted Jun 29, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
We are having our master bathroom re-done. When you make these kinds of changes to a bathroom, it is called “redecorating”. When a person makes these kind of changes, it is called “cosmetic surgery”. Although, both procedures involve the use... Continue reading
Posted Jun 22, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
It would be nice if the messages at the end of political ads had to be honest about the people who paid for them. "This ad was sponsored by people with a lot of money and an extreme agenda." Continue reading
Posted May 30, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
I am proud to say that my first column for Carolina Parent Magazine is in the current issue. Continue reading
Posted May 7, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
I worry that one day people are going to start being brutally honest with me, saying things like, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to return your phone call, but I don’t like talking with you.” Continue reading
Posted Mar 30, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
Wendy's announced that it will be more humane to the chickens and pigs it uses. There's a more humane way to grill an animal and put it between two buns? Continue reading
Posted Mar 25, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
Colas are great-tasting beverages that look like the run-off from the work bay of a Jiffy Lube. As a result, in their ads Coke and Pepsi tend to emphasize the flavor. They use terms like “crisp” and “refreshing” rather than,... Continue reading
Posted Mar 12, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
The aisles on airplanes are designed to accommodate the number of travelers who are 5’ 5’’ and weigh 12 pounds. However, they can be tight spaces for anyone who eats more than semi-annually. Airline aisles tend to be the width... Continue reading
Posted Mar 6, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
I injured one of my back muscles. As a result, I feel intense pain whenever I do something extreme, like pick up a cracker or inhale. It feels like someone is casually trying to change the configuration of internal organs... Continue reading
Posted Feb 26, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether you are extroverted, introverted,... Continue reading
Posted Feb 19, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
I would like to lose weight by walking. Given my eating habits, though, this might require me to walk every day from my house to, say, Poland. Continue reading
Posted Feb 19, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
So when bags go around on the airport luggage carousel, does it bother them to be stared at and objectified like that? Continue reading
Posted Feb 12, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual zone cooling, preservation unit.” Most... Continue reading
Posted Feb 11, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
In TV shows when someone starts a sentence “With all due respect”, it is always followed by some sort of insult or argument. No one ever says, “With all due respect, you smell fantastic.” In fact, that line is never... Continue reading
Posted Feb 9, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
The umbrella is an amazing invention. It shields people from the rain while also giving them the opportunity to accidentally impale complete strangers. “Singing in the rain …” “Oh God! My eye!” “...I’m singing in the rain …” “The blood!... Continue reading
Posted Feb 7, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
I saw this sign in a hospital. I think it means, "Warning: Patients may be overwhelmed with the urge to slide into home." Continue reading
Posted Feb 5, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
Taco Bell announced that they will now have a breakfast menu. It will have a fun Spanish name that roughly translates to “intestinal explosion”. Continue reading
Posted Jan 30, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
A bottle of salad dressing that we bought has a bright orange sticker on it that says “Keep refrigerated at all times”. It suggests that the dressing won’t just go bad, but could actually detonate at some point. Suddenly it’s... Continue reading
Posted Jan 26, 2012 at Nothing in Particular
Our child woke up multiple times last night. As a result, my wife and I are slightly less coherent than someone who has been anesthetized. In fact, you could probably perform major surgery on us and we wouldn’t notice for... Continue reading
Posted Jan 24, 2012 at Nothing in Particular