Well, if you were a writer you might appreciate receiving objective and constructive criticism on your work. I DO know what it takes--I've written five novels in addition to editing scores of them. This is not "tearing down" but contributing--that is, to writers who are working on learning their craft and are open to growing their abilities.

Typepad HTML Email You’re welcome. Luck with it—you’re clearly taking a professional approach. Ray

Thanks, Dennis, I copy and paste a lot of the post and forgot to change the title. I've fixed it.

Agreed. Well put.

Seems to me that, even if it is true that women did not generally use walking sticks in those times, that's no reason for a character to not have one. As for the possible logical inconsistency of being glad that tea defeated the odor of werewolves yet she suspects the woman of being one, the fact that she can, by squinting, normally perceive the energy field of a werewolf without the aid of scent, and if the smell of a werewolf stinks, then it makes sense to me for her to be glad of her tea.

Absolutely, a great quote. Thanks.

Typepad HTML Email Sorry about the title, I’ll fix that. It’s a copy-and-paste goof. I know about typos—a book design client of mine found one in the second paragraph of the first page after it had been proofed, I’d read that part, and the book was into a second printing. I think computers create those things on purpose. Luck, Ray

Tiffany, I disagree with "rules" such as the inciting incident comes after chapter 1, and I don't follow or advocate a regimen of following a pattern of artificial plot points that must appear at specified points. In my view, the inciting incident should come as close to the opening as possible, and definitely not after the first chapter.

Typepad HTML Email Thanks, Lilly. It’s a long path to publication, but I’ll try to hang on to your email address and let you know. Best, Ray From: TypePad Notification Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2018 12:48 AM To: ray@rayrhamey.com Subject: Typepad: [Flogging the Quill] Lilly submitted a comment on "Seems there's a book drought, so take a whack at my newest" Hi Ray Rhamey, Lilly (lilly_v@email.com) has replied to your comment: Sorry about the email, I haven't found time lately to check it. I'd love to beta read this book, but this is such a busy time for me [kids back in school, a couple of family weddings, and a brand-new grandchild.] I will certainly buy the book when you have it published. I'm hooked! Status: Published Options: Unpublish

Lilly, I tried emailing you but got no reply. Would you be interested in beta-reading this book for me? I can send Kindle, epub, PDF, or Word doc. Let me know: ray@rayrhamey.com

Thanks for your notes, Catrin. Yes, V1 is a spoof of V8 juice. Yes, calico males are that rare--and they are also sterile, so there's no need to "fix" a calico tomcat. He does reveal this in the first book, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. You never know how to make things clear but still not be "on the nose" (stated flatly). The coyote is also the cop that rings the doorbell and wants to talk to them about murder--note the references to twinkling blue eyes and winking. He's a werecoyote as well as a detective, and the book is about "unmurders." But, hey, if it didn't work for you and it does for others, then that's the way the page turns (or doesn't).

I'm not sure I understand your issue, Brent. The narrator is a cat, one with experience with humans. Of course he knows the cat side of things, and he has observed the human side, often from a lap.

Yeah, that is a bit of a stumbling block. Her father is a minor? Thanks for pointing that out.

I think a prologue can be an aspect of a story, but only if it connects to the story. In this instance, there is zero linkage between what happens in the prologue and the story that begins in the first chapter. So it is difficult for me to see this one as "story." It may relate somewhere deeper in the novel, but at this stage it's pretty much a waste of space in terms of immersing a reader into a story IMO.

Typepad HTML Email But what are the consequences of her not dealing with her depression? I’m not sure that a story about dealing with depression will grab readers who are not interested in that topic. I saw that she was “down,” but there weren’t any hints in the chapter about what trouble could be ahead for her. As one writing coach says, you don’t have a story until something goes wrong. What goes wrong to jolt her out of her current state? Luck, Ray Ray Rhamey www.crrreative.com www.rayrhamey.com www.floggingthequill.com From: TypePad Notification Sent: Wednesday, January 10, 2018 12:51 PM To: ray@rayrhamey.com Subject: Typepad: [Flogging the Quill] Dennis submitted a comment on "Flogometer 1042 for Dennis—are you compelled to turn the page?" Hi Ray Rhamey, Dennis (dmoc@knothouse.org) has left you a comment: Ray, thank you very much for your comments, they were very illuminating. I clearly need to do a better job communicating Zafira’s mental state: she’s not grumpy, she has learned helplessness (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness) , which is presenting as chronic severe depression. Whether and how she will recover from it is the first story question. I need to find a way to communicate that. Status: Published Options: Unpublish

That may be, Lisa, and I have no problem with that, but ONLY of there is tension/a story question on the first page.

Agreed! Well put.

I agree with you on the paragraph lengths, Lisa. White space creates readability and enhances the ability to gulp down a good story in bite-sized, tasty morsels. Thanks.

Thanks, Mike. This is weird. I "bought" the freebie and downloaded it, and it has the text I have in the post. In looking, though, I see the title as "I.A. B.O.S.S." While the sample on the Amazon page is NOT what I downloaded, I clicked on the "Read Now" button and got the Amazon Cloud Reader. It shows the text I downloaded and used for this post. So I'm going to change the cover and link to match the one I looked at. Clearly a screw-up at the Amazon/author end.

You're a good writer, and I look forward to reading the rest of your book.

Oops, a cut-and-paste error. My apologies. It's fixed now. Thanks for letting me know.

Thank you, Flib (is it okay if I call you that?)

I agree with jc. The use of "swarthy" here is akin to something like "freckled, pale-skinned Irishman." And Arabs refer to themselves as Arabs, so this hardly seems racist to me.

It would be great to see that new opener, so feel free to send it for a flogging.

Yes, with a published book. But the exercise here is to hook a reader without blurbs, with nothing more than the narrative. Also, what would it hurt if we knew either the gender or a name for the narrator in the first page? Would that harm the course of the narrative in any way? If not, why not?